I never wanted to be a single mom. Some women do. They plan it. Not
me. I wanted the husband, the 2.5 kids (we’d name the .5 kid Halfy and
adore his half-formedness), the dog, the cat, the cars, the
house…Living the suburban dream, lemme tell ya! But, instead, parts
of my life went as planned and parts of it resembled scenes in
“Suburban Nightmare” (the abuse and bickering, not the serial
killing).
Fast forward to now:
I am living alone in a 1.5 bedroom mobile home in the Arizona desert,
two kids, no pets. In my fantasy world from years ago I was a bubbly
housewife and dinner party hostess who also authored books and maybe
taught classes and had a hit record deal–I don’t know…guess my
immature mind didn’t have all the details worked out.
I work odd and random shifts at a retail establishment that can take
up to 45min to drive to. I have two books on the market that all of my
supposed fans and followers are apparently too broke to afford. While
my estranged spouse has enjoyed these eight months of separation by
dating again openly and actually having his lovers in what used to be
our family home, I have been reticent to have relationships.
I met one guy here in the summertime. Because of his work hours and my
kids, we could only hang out at odd and random hours. He said I was
still in love with my husband and that I should get over that
immediately. He also said he wanted to be my next “baby daddy”…we
are no longer friends.
On the Internet, and through mutual friends, I met Nathan. He’s a nice
guy, if a bit cocky and occasionally brooding. He wants a biological
child of his own in the not to distant future (a subject over which
there’s been much deliberation in my head due to the intrinsically
difficult nature of caring for the two kids I already have). He wants
to give up the work hard and play hard lifestyle to which he’s grown
accustomed and instead grow accustomed to domestic life with me and
the kids. But in the months we’ve known each other, we have never met
in person. It’s been vid chats and phone calls and texts and IMs…all
of which were great but a girl craves more.
If (hypothetically speaking, of course) I met another man here,
perhaps on the job or something, we wouldn’t be able to have a real
relationship anyway. I am very guarded about who gets to meet my
precious angels and clandestine romances would not make the list.
Nathan has met the girls through vid chat. It was not my original
plan, but it so happened that they adored him and he them. One night
Freya woke up sick and cranky in the middle of a chat and he sang a
lullaby to her. It warmed my heart but also made me angry that her
biological male parental unit didn’t see the need to arrange his own
vid chats with his babies.
I don’t know what to do about the dating situation. When I listened to
“He Didn’t Have To Be” by Brad Paisley I used to only be able to
relate to the kid loving his stepdad (although me and mine didn’t get
along as often as adult me would have liked). Now I feel like I can
relate to the mom as well (although surely my friends who have been in
this situation a lot longer will think I’m making premature
observations about the nature of this lifestyle that I didn’t
particularly choose).
I feel like my options in the dating world are limited. There’s either
low-rent rendezvous at the Airport Hilton or there’s technology-based
dating. I don’t want to move someone in with my kids and then find out
he’s a baby-raping monster or a crack addict. I don’t want to have
some great guy in my kids’ lives who suddenly leaves again because if
some issue with me. I want to share my most precious accomplishments
with the special someone on my life, but I feel like maybe that’s
wrong or at least misguided at this point. What if they don’t like
him? What if he hates them?
I don’t know if finalizing the divorce will ease my troubled mind, but
perhaps taking that step will help a little. I am these girls’ only
advocate in this world right now. I cannot let anyone or anything
interfere with that. I know it has only been eight months since we
separated and that it is too easy to rush headlong in to something
new. I don’t think I have that luxury. I have to be cautious and
careful for the girls’ sake. It really isn’t fair that the ex has
already had (and lost) his first cohabitation experience post me yet I
can’t even invite a potential lover over for dinner…
Sent from my iPhone
